the usual suspects

I love you guys.

To paraphrase one of my favorite children's books, this has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month. And I just wanted to say thanks to you guys, because your friendship has really helped me cope.

The past 24 hours have been intense. The background bullet points:

• A year ago, one of my two best friends saw her eldest son (29) diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. He had his latest MRI this week, three weeks sooner than they normally do it; I haven't heard the results yet.
• Five months ago, my other best friend lost her mother, a dear woman with whom she was very close and whom I greatly admired. My friend has spent most of her free time since then cleaning out the house; this week, she had to oversee the delivery of a dumpster to dispose of the last unclaimed items from her childhood home before selling it.
• Four months ago, I learned that my favorite uncle was fighting multiple cancers. Earlier this month, my mother told me that his latest chemo has proved ineffective.
• Seven years ago, I had a massive case of shingles that permanently damaged a nerve around my right eye, triggering chronic pain episodes and clinical depression. Three weeks ago, my office informed me that they needed to change my job responsibilities and/or hours due to my ongoing shingles-related sick leave usage.
• Two and a half weeks ago, I had dinner with a friend who is struggling with an even more significant medical problem than I have, and learned that her condition has been worse than ever.
• Two weeks ago, one of my sisters announced that she and her husband of 20 years were filing for divorce.
• Yesterday, my tiny new little niece was checked into Boston Children's Hospital in preparation for major heart surgery.

And last night, everything that had built up into that wave of stress, crested and crashed around me.

I think I knew, somehow, earlier in the day, that it was going to happen, and that I needed to do something to prepare for it.

I had an appointment, along with my two best friends, for haircuts with our favorite hairdresser. For some reason, I told her to cut it. Not just scrape the ends, which is what she's been doing for several years now, but just chop it all off, and donate it to Locks of Love. Everything in my life (other than Fred) has been in a tailspin, lately, but this, this was the one thing over which I could exert complete and total personal control...while helping someone else at the same time. It was a wise move.

I've had a massive cold for the past week, so I wanted to go straight home afterwards, but again, for some reason, I made a different choice: we went out for dinner. (Well, my two friends had dinner; I had eaten lunch a couple of hours late, so I had dessert instead. Life is short, and chocolate is my drug of choice.) We communed for a while, sharing support with one another. Another wise move.

I was home by eight, and picked up the phone to call my friend with the medical issue worse than mine...to learn that a few days ago, things had gotten to the point that she couldn't go on, and she decided that it would be her last day on this earth. Too many years of different medications and treatments have completely failed to relieve her chronic pain, which on a scale of 1 to 10 is almost always at 10. We're not talking about someone with a low pain threshold or a need for attention, either, but someone who simply could no longer stand the physical agony of her condition.

Thank god, goddess, or any other diety of your choice - when she started phoning friends to say goodbye, the first person she reached was someone who had been through a similar experience, and was able to bolster her courage to get past the immediate crisis point. With the love and support of her wonderful husband, she's now receiving the uber-heavy artillery of pain medications, usually reserved for terminal cancer patients and similar cases, and for the first time she can remember, is experiencing some pain relief.

We spoke for almost two hours, facing all the realities of our lives both frankly and deeply. When we hung up the phone...I don't know how to describe it. I don't think I really can. And, I'm not even really sure where this story is headed. But somehow, I felt the need to tell you guys, and to let you know how much strength I've drawn from your friendship over the past several years, and how much your friendship continues to mean to me. So thank you, guys, with all my heart.

And my little niece? Spoke to my family a few hours ago, and everything seems to have gone perfectly today. Blessings do come, no matter how dark the world looks.

Posted by thinkum at April 30, 2004 01:52 AM